And them microbes just keep a-festering away

David Kranz has a column in the Argus Leader today about the radio and television ads that suggest that Rep. Herseth Sandlin was derelict in her obligations to her constituents when she did not immediately come to Brown County when Lake Dakota tried to reform itself in 70 percent of the basements in Aberdeen and Rep. Stephanie failed to distribute sump pumps and fix the sanitary sewer system and personally tell God to stop that shit. After her visit in Brown County, where she toured and gathered information about what kind of federal help was required, she went on a fact-finding mission regarding global warming and the use of alternative energy in eliminating green house gases.

As one might notice from some of the discussion on the Ouija boards, sometimes called blogs, the regressives think that the data indicating that human activity is contributing significantly to climate change is a vast left-wing conspiracy. They also think that the theory of evolution is a vast left-wing conspiracy, and that the God who rained that shit down upon us created geological strata and the progressive development of fossils in it to play a trick on the vast left-wing conspiracists and make them think that earth is more than 6,000 years old. Iktomi ensnared them bleeding-heart suckers but good.

David Kranz consulted the Ouija to get some explanations for what these ads mean. He asked political scientists. Now, this is real science. Well, in the hands and minds of some practitioners, like Bill Snyder of CNN, it smacks of science because they deal in surveys that are taken according to protocols that establish some empirical data and reliability and they offer interpretations of what these polls mean and what behaviors on the part of politicians produce what responses in the electorate organism. Or is it orgasm? Come to think of it, what's the difference? It's all a matter of those conditioned souls out there getting off on something. Eh, Big Brother?

However, the scientists at Podunk U. don't horse around with data. They interpret all those blots of written word in their best Rorschachian manner and they stick to their Ouija Boards. That's how they come up with the conclusion that the juvenescent crudity and dull-minded accusations in those so-called ads are witty and funny. And we can be damned glad them scientists ain't teaching Shakespeare.

So according to one scientist, ads like those deriding Rep. Herseth Sandlin are part of the political process and do little harm. Which is like saying farting in church is part of a natural process and that's why Father Bognus is standing up there waving the censer around. The censer drives away the greenhouse gases, and Rep. Herseth Sandlin ought to go to church more often to get a grasp on the real issues. That's what one of them scientists suggested, anyway. Whew.

The scientists promote the idea that appealing to small-mindedness and peevish resentments is good politics and wins elections, and when somebody is successful and can win the respect of people in important places and own a nice house, that person is betraying the South Dakota constituency. You know, those tattered churls who long for sod houses and poverty and the madness those things caused. When John Thune played up Tom Daschle's nice house as a betrayal of South Dakota and let his minions show Daschle pictured as a crony of Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and said that he dumped his wife for a beauty queen, now that was real smart politics. It addressed the real issues of South Dakota. Brilliant. Classy. And according to the scientists, we can look forward to more of this relevant, astute, constructive, and incisive discussion of the human condition and all that stuff.

Recite with me:

Our Ouija Board, who art in the political science department, give us this day our daily voodoo, and lead us not into the humanities or real sciences, but deliver us from that liberal-assed evil, for thine is the Big Brother that we have been waiting for ever since George Orwell prophesized it. Supersize
it, dear Ouija. Dayamn.

We have seen those ads on the web, but have they actually played on any radio or television stations? We would like to know so that we can study them and become better versed in contemporary science. And get a better grasp on the objectives of democratic government. And strive for better churlishness. That, after all, is the objective of American politics, according to them scientists.

This may be a bit of back-sliding from the pinnacle of true Ouija science, but our lingering fascination with the humanities nags at us and we wonder about people who say things about other people anonymously and are too cowardly and sleazy to identify themselves so that we may know the true prophets of the new democracy, as taught by the Ouijists. It is real hard to let go of the notions accrued by thousands of years of thinking and writing, but we will try. It will take some time for us to adopt scurrility and the anonymous debasment of others as our redemption.

Forgive us, our Ouija, for we once knew what we were doing.